Monday, 23 December 2013
11th Day of Blogmas: Beneath the Santa Suit
Hello again members of the blog reading universe! Today I have a super exciting entry of Blogmas for you. Believe it or not, I spent a day of my holidays trekking up to my local shopping centre and interviewing the man working at the Santa photo station. As it is the Christmas season, it was rather difficult to find a time in Santa's busy schedule, but when I did, he wouldn't stop talking. I legitimately conducted a 15 minute interview! Shout out to him (even though he more than likely won't be reading this). I thought, like the last interview I conducted, I might need to add little personal comments in just to add to the entertainment value, but this Santa did all that on his own. Without further ado, here's what went down . . .
Me: Hello Santa!
Santa: Hello Child.
Me: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to speak to me.
Santa: Not a problem. I'm always happy to speak to lovely children on my nice list. I have made that list, and checked it twice.
Me: I see what you did there Santa! Anyway, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
Santa: No, ask away.
Me: Now first up, just wondering what Christmas movie would you say accurately represents your profession?
Santa: Ooh, that's a tough one. I can tell you which one doesn't, Bad Santa does not accurately represent me in my profession. But, it does represent some of those impostors out there in shopping centres who behave appallingly I believe. They're only in it for the money.
Me: Do you find that a bit hypocritical Santa considering you are indeed working in a shopping centre?
Santa: No, I don't find that hypocritical. I am the Santa. I choose a different shopping centre every year because I like to keep my finger on the pulse. I'm not just stuck up the North Pole all the time. I know what's going on. If I don't have kids on my knee every year, how am I gonna know what's new and current?
Me: True dat. Preach. Okay, so what is the weirdest present a kid has ever asked for?
Santa: Ooh, now kids ask for so many different things. I have to say the weirdest present would be a smoothie.
Me: A smoothie?
Santa: Yep, a smoothie.
Me: Any particular flavour?
Santa: They wanted a very berry delight. It was easy enough to fulfil that wish.
Me: Well I have to say, that does sound enticing.
Santa: Would you ever ask Santa for one?
Me: Probably not. I'd just go straight for the parentals.
Santa: Right, that's probably what this child should've done, but I was very happy to oblige. It was easy enough to do.
Me: Moving on Santa. Would you and Mrs Claus consider adopting a child?
Santa: No. We've talked about this on many occasions, but we are the world's universal parents. We consider ourselves the parent of every child. So to adopt one single child would just seem wrong. We don't need to have our own children.
Me: Do you feel bad that you only get to see your universal children once a year?
Santa: We don't visit the children once a year, we monitor those children every single day of every year. That's what people don't realise, we're always on the case.
Me: Ah, thank you for this alternative insight Santa. Now, how many gingerbread cookies do you and the elves go through every Christmas?
Santa: Well, we try to cut down at Christmas. I personally try to keep it to about 60 a day during the Christmas season.
Me: Do you find that difficult?
Santa: I do. I really, really do. At other times of the year, it can be up to around 120.
Santa: Yes, I know. But I've got to be match fit at Christmas. It's my peak season.
Me: So, just wondering, is there a height limit for your elves?
Santa: Look, we tried to introduce a height limit a few years ago, because there's a really low hanging bar on the sleigh, and sometimes they just kept bashing into it and hitting their heads.
Me: Occupational health and safety, am I right Santa?
Santa: You're right. And those little people, they move faster. So I thought, keep it little, keep it fast. That's my motto. But we got into a little bit of trouble with the discrimination people, so we're no longer allowed to keep them out. We're no longer classed as a special needs workplace, so we can't get any kind of exemption. On reflection, I think that's fair enough. No, I'm a man all for equal opportunities. Elves of all heights. Have you seen the movie 'Elf'?
Me: Yes, in fact I spoke about it on my blog.
Santa: Since Buddy the Elf, that really did change my view.
Me: I'm with you there Santa. So, are there any special skills needed to be Santa?
Santa: There's no job description for Santa, because I just am Santa. It's like there's no job description for the queen. You're just born for this role. The only things are that you need to be jolly, that's very important. You need to be patient, and you need to develop a game face. Do you know what I mean by a game face?
Me: Please elaborate Santa.
Santa: Well when people say stupid things and ask for stupid things like very berry delight smoothies, you've got to be able to put on a poker face and just respond as though they've asked for the most normal thing in the world.
Me: Are you familiar with the song by Lady Gaga?
Santa: Poker Face, yes I am familiar with that.
Me: Is it your mantra?
Santa: Often, it is. I mean, I've given many presents to Gaga in my time, back when she was Baby Gaga. I knew her before she was a lady.
Me: Well, thank you for sharing that with us. Just wondering, how much government money was used to build the North Pole?
Santa: Absolutely none. The North Pole is a naturally occurring phenomenon, it is apart of the polar cap. As for my home and my workshop, I finance that. The time I don't spend in the sleigh and building the toys, I am CEO of SC enterprises, which is a charitable non-profit organisation. All of the money used to build the workshop is donated.
Me: Awesome, you seem like a lovely person Santa. So, do you feel that you compete with the other guardians, such as the Easter Bunny or Mother Nature?
Santa: Why would we compete? We're on completely different territories. I'm just not a competitive sort of person, I'm really not.
Me: So there's no rivalry with Jack Frost like there is in the Santa Claus movies?
Santa: No, no. However, if Jack Frost were really evil, that would be different. I will always fight the forces of evil. I am unapologetic in fighting evil.
Me: Okay, how do you get photo ready?
Santa: That's a constant problem, because believe it or not, I don't like having my photo taken. It's a little bit of an occupational hazard. I just look at photos and think 'double chin'. It's all I can see. We all have our human foibles, don't we. It's taken me many years to come to terms with it, but when you see the look on the little kids' faces, I just think that it's not about me.
Me: Interesting. Now, just wondering, is Rudolph hated by the other reindeers?
Santa: Reindeers don't hate. Occasionally, they will laugh and call people names . . .
Me: Like pinochio.
Santa: Exactly. And sometimes, they won't let people join in their games . . .
Me: Like monopoly.
Santa: Yes, that's right. But after that incident some time ago, I've kind of stamped that out. They learnt from that, they really did. We have a culture of niceness, a reindeer culture of niceness. Basically it's just all reindeer love.
Me: Everyone loves them some Rudolph, and Rudolph loves him some other reindeer. How beautiful. Final question, what do you do in your down time?
Santa: Well for a lot of it I sleep, and as I said before, I run my charity SC enterprises. When we can, me and the mrs like to get away. We like to head to the Great Barrier Reef for a bit of snorkelling.
Me: Oh, so you're a fan of Australia?
Santa: Love, love, love Australia. Great country. In fact, apart from New Zealand, that's where I start my Christmas run. It's one of the first places I get to. You know, I love the sun. I love to feel the sun melt the icicles in my beard, it's just fabulous. And the reindeers love it as well.
Me: Well that seems to be the end Santa. Thank you for taking time out of your busy Christmas schedule.
Santa: Don't worry, I've got my elves going up and down the aisle handing out candy canes to placate the kids while I'm talking to you.
Me: Phew. Anyway, thank you Santa. Good luck on the 25th!
And that's officially the end of the massive interview. How cool was that Santa? I was expecting yes and no answers for every question, but this guy full on went into detail. He was amazeballs. Who knows, maybe he actually was Santa (or probably not). Merry Blogmas! Til' next time . . .