Greetings once again my readers! No, you have not suddenly obtained dyslexia, you did indeed read the title correctly. Believe it or not, musical theatre fanatics can be impartial, when did that happen? Anyway, as you've probably already gathered from the rather aptly named title, today, I'm going to be calling out some of the most awful musicals based on movies to ever be written (assuming I can get past my bias, here's hoping). Without further ado, here they are . . .
Shrek the Musical
Yes, this was a thing. Why someone would turn an animated movie about an ogre living on a swamp into an all singing, all dancing Broadway musical I do not know, but apparently someone was mad enough to do it. I have to admit, the songs are alright, and it of course starred the amazingly awesome Sutton Foster as Fiona, but that doesn't change the fact that there's an ogre on stage singing! It's just not right. And seriously, when it comes to musicals, I'm pretty much the nicest, most biased judge out there, but with Shrek, I just can't deal. Also, there's just absolutely no way anyone ever can make a fake, green, massive ogre head look anything but tacky.
Carrie the Musical
Once again, why? Horror and Broadway shouldn't be a thing (unless of course it's 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show', then go right ahead). Can't you just imagine Carrie killing a bunch people as she bursts into an emotional power ballad? No, just no. In all seriousness, to begin Act II, there is a musical number about the slaughtering of a pig. I kid you not, that's really a thing! How? I do not know (and don't want to). I think we can all agree that this was a bad idea. It's not that there's anything wrong with 'Carrie' itself, I mean I sang it's praises when I reviewed the movie remake, but when there's singing and murder, it's just a no (unless it's Chicago, but that's different - that's awesome).
The Lord of the Rings Musical
This is just getting ridiculous. Seriously, Lord of the Rings the musical? That shouldn't ever be a thing (but unfortunately, it was). I guess when you throw around ideas for Broadway musicals it's always a gamble as to what will be a hit and what will spectacularly fail, but I could've told you straight up that a musical about singing midgets that isn't 'Snow White' would never work. Let's face it, the 'Lord of the Rings' book series and movie trilogy was predominantly aimed at little nerdy fanboys. Would they ever rock up to a musical? God no. The seats would be filled with either women, gay men, or members of the elderly community. Now I'm not the best at maths, but even I can see that doesn't add up. Plus, it's just a stupid, terrible idea.
Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark
Immediately blacklisted after the guy playing Spiderman majorly injured himself by falling from his harness, it was obvious from the beginning that this was going to be a flop. Obviously, the production value's pretty awful (and clearly unsafe). From the blatantly obvious harnesses to the non-descreet stage hands running back and forth, there's certainly nothing special about the effects used in the show. Apart from that major stuff, the musical just happens to be super boring. We get it, there's a guy in a unitard who can climb walls, big whoop, shut up and stop singing about it. I'm honestly pretty sure the only reason there were any audience members at all was because people thought they were going to see a guy nearly kill himself (yet everyone was sorely disappointed). If you're going to make a musical about super heroes, why not make 'The Incredibles - The Musical'?
Breakfast at Tiffany's the Musical
This musical is notoriously one of Broadway's biggest flops. Why you may ask? It probably has something to do with the fact that it never even made it to Broadway originally. Starring Mary Tyler Moore way back in 1966, the musical was all set for Broadway before it was cancelled after 4 preview performances. Because apparently people just can't let terrible musicals lie, it was resurrected last year oddly enough with 'Game of Thrones' star Emilia Clarke. Why? Nobody knows. Whatever the motivation, the musical sucked. It was described as 'ill-conceived' and 'poorly executed', and if that doesn't scream awful, I don't know what does. Spoiler alert, if something sucks so much that it doesn't make it to Broadway in the first place, don't try and remake it 50 something years later with someone who's never done musical theatre before. What has logic become?
So that's the end of my super negative post. Now, you don't have to torture yourself and sit through all of these (because you so would've if it hadn't been for this post). Just spend your time binge watching awesome, super amazeballs musicals and ignore these abominations. I encourage you to go live your lives now! Til' next time . . .